Reflecting on Unhealthy Wedding Trends in Zambia

Last week, Clepha wrote an article urging the bride and groom to enjoy the wedding preparation process and not accept the notion that weddings are synonymous with stress. This week, I would like to reflect on some unhealthy wedding practices in our country that have become the norm. I aim to provoke deeper reflection and conversation among believers on how we view and do weddings. So, here are four unhealthy practices around weddings.

Adding people to wedding committees without regard

With the addition of WhatsApp groups, anyone can be added or can now send an invitation to join a group, dubbed a kitchen party, wedding, sister’s, mother’s or family committee. If you are “blessed,” you might be added to multiple groups, and each group sets a minimum amount for everyone to contribute. In many ways, this is African communal living promax. The problem, however, is that the people who create these groups are just concerned about the money and how much they can raise. So, they will literally add anyone and everyone, even if you have not spoken in years. And then, there is the shame and offence that comes with declining to join or contribute. People get offended when someone declines to join or contribute to their committee.

As Christians, we need to rethink this practice. We must be more concerned about having healthy relationships with people than just seeing them as a number that will add more money to our cause. We must also have the decency to ask people if they are willing and able and assure them that it is okay to decline for whatever reasons, and they do not even have to explain. Manipulating and shaming people into contributing to your wedding is both unkind and entitled.

At the same time, when you are invited to join or contribute to a wedding and you are unable or unwilling, it is essential to be honest and respectfully decline rather than agreeing in the spirit of “tachimoneka bwino,” when you know too well that you will not fulfil the commitment. That is not very ethical.

Demanding Monetary “Gifts” from Guests

Another practice that has become the norm in the last 10-15 years is wedding/kitchen party invitations with a price tag. This request(demands?) for a minimum monetary gift will be written on the card and called a gift. “A gift of not less than K500 will be highly appreciated,” the card would read. Initially, used to be “please come with a gift to help the new couple as they start their new home.” And a colour code would be given, for the sake of order and beauty, and the bride’s likeness. Some thought it might be easier and more convenient to ask people to bring the gifts in monetary form than have them carry parcels. Then the organisers would have to worry about ferrying stoves and fridges after the event.

In the last 10 years, that has evolved into minimum monetary gifts. And now, at an event, some people stand at the entrance (door bouncers?) collecting your invitation card and the money you have placed inside. And you will be held up if you have not given your required gift.

As Christians, we must rethink this numbers game. To invite people to celebrate with you and demand they pay a set amount of money, in the disguise of a “gift”, is a touch self-serving. Is it any wonder that we always want big groups? Isn’t the essence of a gift that it must be given freely? To go the extra mile and even demand the money at the entrance. Aren’t we, in essence, selling invitation cards?

Disregard for Time

There is no other way to put it, the timekeeping at weddings is generally terrible. From the officiating pastor to the bride and groom, to the parents, to the matron, to the décor people, the photographers and everyone else, we have a culture of lateness. And no event makes you realise how bad we are with time, like a wedding. I could tell you stories from the 11 years of pastoring, but one thing is for sure: there are rarely genuine reasons for lateness; it is pure disorganisation and disregard for others.

Firstly, I have realised that everyone expects people to be late. The bridal team hopes the guests will be late, and the guests expect the bridal team to be late. The excuses range from we took a long time doing hair, the parents decided to hold a meeting the morning of, the tailor didn’t finish the attire, the décor lady is late, the cars didn’t come on time, we overslept, and a few. I have been to a wedding where the congregation waited for two hours, and then when the event started, they wanted to go through the whole program. As a church, our policy is that the wedding service is 1 hour and 20 minutes long, and we always end on time. The bride and groom decide what time it starts, and we decide what time it ends. And we are committed to always end on time, regardless of what time we start. People and their time must be respected. Further, Christian events must be done with order and excellence. Our God is a God of order and beauty.

The Hiring of Uncouth MC’s

It used to be that the master of ceremonies at such events would be a respectable and organized family or friend, who manages events well. They know how to carry a program, keep it flowing and keep the guests engaged with a good sense of humor. They would be dignified and respectful, aware of their audience. These would be people you have shared values and norms with.

Then came the rise of the celebrity comedian. And the role of MC, evolved to a comedians who pass callous, inappropriate jokes and dance carelessly. All this at a high price. Whether, it is the prestige families are after or it is just the reflection of their values, but, why would Christians pay to put themselves through series of cringe moments? I have been to a few weddings where someone has had to tell the MC to tone down, and my thought is, why hire them in the first place? Shouldn’t Christians look for people with shared values and etiquette to play key roles at their events and functions? Shouldn’t our events be characteristed by decency and respect?  

Planning Events Beyond People’s Means

A wedding should be a reflection of the couple’s financial state. If the couple has the means to put up a K100,000 budget wedding, it is within their means and right. If the couple is able to put up a K10,000 event, that is well within their rights. Living within your means is a basic principle of life and comes from a content heart. To want to spend money you do not have is unwise. To want to spend it on wedding flowers that fade before the sun sets and food that will be consumed in 30 minutes and leftovers thrown in the bin, is the epitome of folly.

Couples should not succumb to societal pressure to meet wedding standards. Spend the money you and not get in debt or feel pressure to have 6 committees, the wedding is an event, the marriage is for life. Couples should be encouraged and supported to work within their means, without putting pressure on them. It is very unfortunate when single people delay marriage on account of not having money to fund a lavish reception.

As christians, everything we do is displays our values and morality. We communicate priorities, standards, and beliefs in the way we conduct our business, including the way we approach and carry our weddings. May our weddings be known for order, beauty, prudence, and joyful celebration.